Nanna Kiks

I don’t feel very inspired at the moment. I think I know why.

I have just about enough inspiration to go shopping and just to go out in general. As soon as I come home, all my inspiration disappears. As soon as I turn on my laptop everything is gone. Any trace of inspiration and energy is completely gone. I think I know why.

I am happy to go out, though. I’ve been going out on a regular basis lately. Just to breathe, buy clothes and even shoes and underwear. It has been great. But as soon as I come home, it feels like falling down from somewhere high above the ground. It doesn’t hurt, not really. It’s just the same feeling every time. It’s like being numb, but still able to feel some sort of sadness. But I am not sad. Nor angry or mad. Just.. a little bit sad mixed with a lot of feelings. I worry. At some point I do. Because there’s nothing I can do, I worry. Because I know nothing, I worry.

I wont let it bother me, though. It does bother me, sure. But I will try not to let it. I know things will work out eventually. I think I know enough basics to know that everything will go back to normal again soon. And change back again, maybe. But that’s okay. As long as I know I haven’t been left behind.

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Nanna Kiks

I have one big wish: I want to find me. The real me.

This is not a fake me. I am not fake. I am just not me. The real me is inside of me, behind various other people. People who are tired of this life, this world. People who wanna object, provoke and just screw it all. I have to go through several layers of this person I’ve become to find who I once was. To find the real me, to find who I wanna be. I can be me, I can become whatever I want to. I just want to be me. And be confident about the me that I am about to discover.

And I have a deadline. By August I wanna be me. I know it sounds silly. How can I put a deadline to this kind of issue? I just can. It’s a decision. Like so many other dicisions that I am gonna make within the next couple of months. They’re all decisions. If I somehow can get the courage to let the real me out of the closet, most other things will sort out eventually.

If I can find the real me, let her out and live my life, I will get to know what to be passionate about, what I wanna work as, where I should search for all kinds of things.

This August I’ll enter the real world once again. That’s why I wanna be me by then. I am done misleading people with my looks and my personality. This year things are gonna fit together. I wanna put my inside on my outside. I wanna dress the way I feel inside.

I dislike myself for all sorts of things, but I don’t wanna accept it so I put those dislikes on other people. It makes me end up disliking all people in this world. I don’t want that. I dislike myself mostly for not being me. Not being true to myself. For all my facades and masks. I will put those away. I’ll need courage, but I will only get that courage by doing it. So at first I will be unconfident and insecure, but as soon as I find out that some people will accept me for just being who I am, I will get the courage needed to keep on going.

I have other goals too. Such as being confident about who I am. When I find the real me, I’ll work on that.

I will look for inspiration too. I will look for that in communicating with other people. I will talk to people, get out and not isolate myself. That will be able to inspire me over and over again. I am sure. I wanna inspire other people too. I want people to look at me and get inspired. I don’t want other people to want to look like me, but I want them to look at me and get inspired to do something about themselves, their look and their lives.

When I’ve achieved all this, I hope to have found something to be passionate about. Passion is important and needed for me to go further in many ways.

Last but not least: I want to encourage others to be who they wanna be. And find out who they really are and not get stuck underneath various facades and other people like me.

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Nanna Kiks

I’m so lazy, sitting on my chair all day.

(I love Mother Mother..)

I never stop looking out the window, I never change, ’cause this is who I am. I couldn’t be anymore satisfied with all this. I felt the same way yesterday, it’s so unusual for me to keep this feeling for longer than a couple of hours.

I’m going, yes. This year, I am going. From June 3o. – July 8. I will be on Roskilde Festival. I am so not ready. I haven’t planned anything, I haven’t thought anything through, I don’t know how many money I’ve got – I haven’t even bought the ticket. But screw it. I don’t wanna waste my life planning. I cannot control anything anyway, I cannot predict anything, I cannot change people.

I will be having fun, though. That’s the goal for me – to have fun. It’s there, it will be there. Else I’ll create it like anything else in my life. If something is missing, I create it. I mean, why not? Why wouldn’t I?

I don’t know much about the festival. All I know is that 200 artist are gonna perform during those 9 days, that people live in camps during that period, they live in tents, sorted in to areas. They get drunk. very drunk, they play loud music, do silly things and forget about life for a while. I wanna join. This year I will join.

(One of my fav songs from brilliant Mother Mother.)

I will do silly things, I will forget about life. I don’t need it no more, not right now at least. Right now, I don’t wanna leave, but I know how things change. I am aware of it. Very aware. When time comes I will leave, but I will come back and pick up the things I left. The people I left, I will pick them up and put them in my pockets. Caress them, till they forget that the world once was gone, that they once were alive.

And we will learn to live again.

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Nanna Kiks

It happens – rarely, but more often than ever: I wish I could stop time.

I want to stay this way forever. I want to feel like this forever.

There’s not a single thing about all this, that I want to change. Not one single thing. I want everything and everyone to stay like this forever. All this is perfect. My world is what it’s supposed to be and I feel better than ever. I want to be home alone forever, sitting in my bed, listening to music, being online, looking out the window and feeling tiny but still in the middle of everything.

I want it to be night forever. Forever dark outside, forever warm inside.

It’s cosy inside of me, it’s warm. It’s silent for once. It’s confident. I am full of everything, filled with emotions and in-puts. Enough of all, enough of everything to keep me going for the rest of my life.

I have no idea where it comes from, this feeling. The feeling of being immortal, strong and collected. The feeling of control within uncertainty. The thought of being stronger than anything else in this world is what saves me every time.

I can do whatever I want. Everything is possible right now. There’s nothing I can’t do.

When I expect it the least it’s suddenly there.

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Nanna Kiks

Every night I call out for you, did you know?

Every night I go for a walk searching for you, did you know?

Every night I stare out the window looking for you, did you know?

Where ever I walk I pretend that I follow you around, did you know?

I explain my entire life to you as I follow you around, did you know?

Sometimes I even forget that you’re not here, did you know?

I live in another world and you’re in it, did you know?

I keep waiting for you, am I insane?

I am so sure that one day you’ll disappear, am I insane?

I am so sure that tonight is the last night, am I insane?

If you disappear tonight, will I wait for you again tomorrow?

If you disappear tonight, will I still be waiting for you next week?

If you disappear tonight, will I still be waiting for you next month?

If you disappear tonight, will I still be waiting for you in a year?

If you disappear tonight, will I still be looking out the window, searching for you? Will I keep following you around, will I keep telling you about my life, will you stay in my imaginary life? – Yes.

Am I insane? – Yes.

I am so scared, so afraid that you’ll look with your kind eyes in any other direction than mine. I am so terrified that you’ll be out of my reach and out of my life sooner than I’d ever expect. I don’t want you to leave me ever, though you’ve never been here. I feel your presence, I feel your heart beat and all your breaths. I feel so alive. I need to know more, I need to learn. I am so curious it kills me every night.

It doesn’t matter how you leave me or when. It doesn’t matter if you leave me for five minutes or forever – it’s always too soon.

Let me pretend that I know what you think – let me pretend that I think I know what you feel and what you think.

You think I am a silly girl. I am so young, I am such an idiot, I am in your way, aren’t I?

I am not interesting anymore, I am lost in this world. I am not anything, right?

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Nanna Kiks

Stop dragging me out of my fantasy world.

Stop telling me what I can’t.

Stop pretending that I am you, as I am not.

Stop thinking that because you couldn’t, I can’t.

Stop wondering.

Don’t think that I am like all the others and don’t think that I wanna face reality. Your and my reality isn’t the same. Let me be irresponisble, let me be a kid. Don’t tell me that I should save anything for later, when it’s now that I should be having fun. Come with me or say nothing, as I don’t wanna hear what you have to say about it. You tell me, what all others tells me. That it’s silly, I am stupid, the idea is idiotic and that what I imagine in my head is only scenarios occuring in films. I don’t care, if I am mindblown and idiotic. I don’t care if the idea is stupid and that I wont experience any of the things I imagine in my head. I don’t care.

Let me be a kid, I am so young. Don’t drag me into your world. I don’t know what you think, when you look at me nor do I know what you imagine me to be like, but if you look at me and wish that you could do what I wanna do and that the world I live in was true – come with me. Because I know it exists. Somewhere on this planet, the world I dream of has got to exist. And I want to find it. With or without you.

I am bored, so bored. I’ve been at home for the last 16 years waiting for a miracle to happen, waited for something exciting to happen – waiting for anything to happen and nothing has happened. Absolutely nothing. I don’t wanna sit back and wait any longer. I am sick of waiting. Sick of nothing happening. I wanna do something and if the miracles and the memories wont come to me, I’ll go out in this world and find them, even create them myself if needed. And no one has the right to tell me that it’s wrong or silly. Don’t tell me that what I imagine only happens in movies, cause I don’t care. Let me at least pretend.

You ask for plans, they ask for information. You ask for a story, they ask for another me. You smile, I smile, as we both now how silly this is. But I smile in a different way than you. My smile will turn to other expressions as soon as I leave this place. Hopefully you will keep smiling till the end of time, as it’s the only thing that will keep me going.

And no – even if I met someone in this world who’s company I’d enjoy, I cannot take them with me home. The people will stay in their world and I will stay in mine, but I will at least know that they exist.

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Nanna Kiks

Why is this needed? Is it really necessary?

I tell myself that it wont have any kind of influence on me, that’s how I wish it to be. But I am not too sure that I can control it myself. I wont let it kill my life. I wont let it kill what I just created. I wont let it kill what I’ve worked on for months.

Why should this be so hard to accept? Can’t I just tell myself to go on and be happy? Why do I stop and look, when I know that what I see hurts me? I stop and stare and for the longer I stare the more it hurts, but I keep looking, keep digging for details. I tell myself lies about you and about me. I tell myself that I’ve come more far than you, I tell myself that you’re a liar – that you lie to yourself. But who of us is the liar? And why do I even care.

I said, that I’d be able to accept anything as long as you were happy. It all – lies. I couldn’t accept it and I haven’t surpassed this yet it seems. But I want to. So I will do it. Cause I can. Somewhere inside of me there’s the strength needed to surpass this, at least make me careless. I am so careless, but I am tired of lying.

I want this to be something else than a lie.

This is a lie, but I will make it something different. I will make it this time. I will look at you, stare till I fall, but rise again as I walk forward, moving towards the sun.

By then I will have surpassed this.

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Nanna Kiks

I was there, in the wagon, in the train, this very early Saturday morning. I felt dizzy from all the alcohol, cigarettes and heavy dubstep. My neck and legs hurt from all the dancing and fooling around. I were able to think clearly, though.

As I saw him, I wanted to help him. I wanted to help him badly. As he looked all helpless and out of hope, I felt a huge urge to go talk to him. I think I can save any human being in this world, as silly as I am, I often try. I always feel some sort of surplus when I see such people. Such people, who clearly needs a friend, a helping hand, some hope or even a better life. I push my own needs aside as I see them as they randomly appear around me. I felt tired, I felt dizzy, but I wanted to speak to him.

He looked tired, I wanted to lend him my bed.

He looked out of control, I wanted to help him manage his own life.

He entered the wagon seven minutes after me. He entered the wagon in a remarkable way. He got my entire attention as his steps were heavy but sounded like thunder, as his breath was loud and full of anger. When he sat down, he sorta threw his body to the seat and hammered his fists against the seat and his own legs, while breathing heavily. It seemed he couldn’t sit still, or control his own body. He kept moving around changing positions. At first I thought he wasn’t drunk until he slided from the seat to the floor in convulsive moves. When he started making odd noises and coughing, I understood. The coughing changed to hiccups and burps, the hiccups and burps changed to saliva and even more convulsive moves as he began to puke.

He looked so decent. Some would even say handsome. He was wearing a black pull-over, white shirt and light-blue trousers. All of his clothes were perfectly clean, so was his face and hair. He looked nothing like those who usually puke in the trains Saturday morning.

As the train left the station and drove to another, the puke spread on the floor and I got to see it. That was what surprised me the most; the puke had the color of the blue in a rainbow and it was as liquid as water.

While puking he inhaled huge amounts of air, I could hear and he started screaming for help. I looked at him, quite shocked as no one has ever screamed for help in my presence before. I sat there, silent and still as a rock. I thought of calling an ambulance, I thought of helping him by myself though I don’t know how, I thought of saying to someone else that they should help him, in my imagination I saw a scenario of chaos and I saw him laying dead on the floor in the same wagon as me, I felt the guilt. I felt guilty for not helping him. I got disappointed in myself. As I try helping any human being in this world by words, my help apparently isn’t sufficient to cause any actions.

As I was thinking, he was still asking for help, as he at the same time whispered swear words, while telling someone who obviously wasn’t there, that everything was gonna be okay. Some women sitting in the wagon began talking. One of them asked the other if they should call an ambulance, but the other woman replied that it probably wasn’t needed as he was just puking.

He somehow got a bit better and sat up on the seat. I could feel his hatred towards himself, I could feel the anger, the pain, the disappointment, the lost hope. Everything. The feelings was in the air, so heavy that it made me unwell. Suddenly he stood up and stormed towards the door, tore it open and disappeared out of the train.

I felt so guilty.

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Nanna Kiks

I don’t wanna become a part of your mess, at the same time I do.

I don’t wanna listen to your nonsense blabbing, at the same time I do.

I don’t wanna leave you alone, at the same time I do.

I don’t wanna let you turn me into a mess, at the same time I do.

I don’t wanna let you step all over me, at the same time I don’t mind.

I wish you’d tell me the truth. Stop hiding and tell me what all this is.

But at the same time, without knowing, you teach me things. Things that no one else have taught me. Some have even taught me the opposite of what you do. That’s why I like you. Such as being concrete and consistent isn’t always the right way to go, that you’re not forced to answer any question thrown at you, to just live and have fun and enjoy it while it’s there, stop worrying and stop being sad about things that you cannot change.

You should know how much you scare me from time to time. Sometimes when you speak, I don’t get a word of what you say. Sometimes when you speak, I don’t understand the meanings. You speak like no one else I know.

You’re out of control like no one else I know, that’s what makes us close to being the same.

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Nanna Kiks

All I want is the best for our lives my dear,

and you know my wishes are sincere.

What’s to say for the days I cannot bare.

A Sunday smile you wore it for a while.

At cemetery mile we paused and sang.

A Sunday smile you wore it for a while.

At cemetery mile we paused and sang.

A Sunday smile and we felt true.

We burnt to the ground

left a view to admire

with buildings inside church of white.

We burnt to the ground left a grave to admire.

And as we reach for the sky, reach the church of white.

A Sunday smile you wore it for a while.

At cemetery mile we paused and sang.

A Sunday smile you wore it for a while.

At cemetery mile we paused and sang.

A Sunday smile and we felt true.

- Beirut